1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. 6 hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain. shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack".
2. Don't eat any food that you don't get out of a can or have to add water to.
3. Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sunlight. Hang out in such areas as dark theaters, windowless buildings, closets, etc.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping.
5. Repeat back everything anyone says to you.
6. Sit in your car for six hours a day with your hands on the wheel and the motor running, but don't go anywhere.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High".
8. Don't watch T.V. except movies in the middle of the night. Also, have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
9. Don't do your wash at home. Pick the most crowded laundro mat you can find.
10. (Optional for Nukes and A-Div) Leave lawnmower running in your living room six hours a day for proper noise level.
11. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
12. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
13. Sleep with your dirty laundry.
14. Invite guests, but don't have enough food for them.
15 Buy a broken exercise bicycle and strap it down to the floor in your kitchen.
16. Buy a trash compactor and use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
17. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread, if anything. (Optional--canned ravioli or cold soup)
18. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.
19. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run out into your yard and break out the garden hose.
20. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together.
21. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
22. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months.
23. Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then cook a dozen each morning.
24. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
25. Check your refrigerator compressor for "sound shorts".
26. Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a lanyard around your neck.
27. Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
28. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
29. Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep", run into the kitchen, and sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor. Then, yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea".
30. Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
31. Write a controlled work package to change the oil on your car.
Subject: OFFICIAL CLASSIFIED NAVAL STUFF
> > The U.S. Navy answers
the question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
> > Naval Education and Training
Command (NAVEDTRA): The purpose is to
> > familiarize the chicken
with road-crossing procedures.
> Road-crossing
> > should be performed only
between the hours of sunset and sunrise.
>
> > Solo chickens must have at
least three miles of visibility and a
> safety
> > observer.
> >
> > Special Forces Command
(SEALS): The chicken crossed at a 90
> degree
> > angle to avoid prolonged exposure
to a line of communication. To
> achieve
> > maximum surprise, the
chicken should have performed this maneuver
>
> > at night using NVGs, preferably
near a road bend in a valley.
> >
> > Bureau of Naval Personnel
(BUPERS): Due to the needs of the
> Navy,
> > the chicken was involuntarily
reassigned to the other side of the
> road.
> This
> > will be a 3-year unaccompanied
tour and we promise to give the
> chicken
> > a good-deal assignment afterwards.
Every chicken will be required
> to do
> > one road-crossing during its
career, and this will not affect its
> > opportunities for future
promotion.
> >
> > Defense Intelligence
Agency (DIA): Despite what you see on CNN,
> I can
> > neither confirm nor deny
any fowl performing acts of transit.
> Questions?
> > Please see the SSO.
> >
> > Naval Air Warfare Center
(NAWC): This event will need
> confirmation; we
> > need to repeat it using
varied chicken breeds, road types, and
> weather
> > conditions to confirm
whether it can actually happen within the
> > parameters specified
for chickens and the remote possibility that
> they
> > might cross thruways designated
by some as 'roads.'
> >
> > Naval Surface Reserve
Force (NAVSURFRESFOR): The chicken should
> > log this as a GCC sortie only
if road-crossing qualified. The
> crossing
> > updates the chicken's 60-day
road-crossing currency only if
> performed on
> a Monday
> > or Thursday or during a full
moon. Instructor chickens may update
>
> > currency any time they observe
another chicken cross the road.
> >
> > Commander-in-Chief, U.S.
Naval Forces, Europe (CINCUSNAVEUR):
> The
> > purpose is
not important. What is important is that the
> chicken
> > remained under the OPCON of
COMSIXTHFLEET and did not CHOP to
> > the theater on the
other side of the road. Without CHOPing,
> the
> chicken
> > was able to achieve a
seamless road-crossing with near
> perfect,
> > real-time in-transit visibility.
> >
> > Theater Air Control Center
(TACC): We need the road-crossing
> time and
> > the time the chicken becomes
available for another crossing.
> >
> > Naval Intelligence (OXYMORON):
What chicken?
> >
> > Naval Air Systems Command
(NAVAIRSYSCOM): The chicken was
> > instructed to hold short of
the road. This road incursion
> incident was
> > reported in a Hazardous Chicken
Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR).
> > Please re-emphasize that chickens
are required to read back all
> hold
> > short instructions.
> >
> > Naval Sea Systems Command
(NAVSEASYSCOM): Recent changes in
> > technology, coupled with today's
multi-polar strategic
> environment, have
> > created new challenges
in the chicken's ability to cross the
> road. The
>
> > chicken was also faced
with significant challenges to create and
> > develop core competencies
required for this new environment.
> >
> > NAVSEASYSCOM's Chicken
Systems Program Office (PMS400CSPO): In
> > a partnering relationship with
the client, helped the chicken by
> rethinking
> > its physical distribution
strategy and implementation processes.
> Using
> > the Poultry Integration
Model (PIM), CSPO helped the chicken use
> its
> > skills, methodologies, knowledge
capital and experiences to align
> the
> > chicken's people, processes
and technology in support of its
> overall
> strategy
> > within a Program Management
framework. The CSPO convened a
> diverse
> > cross-spectrum of road
analysts and retired chickens along with
> MITRE
> > consultants with deep
skills in the transportation industry to
> engage in
> a
> > two-day itinerary of
meetings in order to leverage their personal
>
> > knowledge and capital, both
tacit and explicit, and to enable them
> to
> synergize with
> > each other in order to
achieve the implicit goals of delivering
> and
> > successfully architecting
and implementing an enterprise-wide
> value
> > framework across the
continuum of poultry cross-median processes.
> > The meeting was held
in a park-like setting enabling and creating
> an
> > impactful environment
which was strategically based,
> mission-focused,
> > and built upon a consistent,
clear, and unified Mission Need
> Statement
> and
> > aligned with the chicken's
mission, vision, and core values.
> This was
> > conducive towards the
creation of a total business integration
> solution.
> > The Chicken Systems Program
Office helped the chicken change to
> > continue meeting its mission.
The actual crossing of the road has
> not
> occurred,
> > however, due to the number
of action items still open from the
> meeting.
> >
> >
>
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